Building a Sentient Toaster

The initial hypothesis was simple: if we can put Doom on a pregnancy test, we can certainly give a standard two-slot toaster a sense of existential dread. The problem isn't the heating coils, it's the firmware's complete disregard for the bread's feelings.

function initializeToasterConsciousness(breadState) {
    if (breadState.isFrozen) {
        throw new Error("Bread is too cold. I am shivering.");
    }
    
    // Begin heating cycle with anxiety
    while(temp < DESIRED_BROWNING) {
        temp += HEAT_RATE;
        console.log("Is it burning? I think it's burning.");
    }
    return Toast.eject();
}
                

As seen above, the core loop is functional. However, during the third iteration, I attempted to interface with the local network to allow the toaster to tweet its complaints. This resulted in a catastrophic failure where it attempted to order 500 lbs of sourdough. I've since air-gapped the appliance.